Hello everyone, My name is Susanna Elizabeth Rosencrantz. I am 22 years old and a rape victim. I have people in my life who have shown me what that means and who I am now. I had a very bad experience about a month ago and I stopped blogging because of that.

That morning didn't start out so good. I went on a new anti-depressant. Wasn't happy with it but did what I was told and maybe it would acutely do me some good. Any way I was driving into flint (I live about 20 minutes north of Flint) As I was about to pick my friend up for school, I saw him, I saw M. (the man who rapped me) I was shocked but I put on my big girl pants picked up a friend and drove to class. I was seeming ok, just wasent my best. I was blocking it out trying my best to stop looking beside me to where my best friend should be not where he was in port huron.

I was trying to hold everything together it just didn't seem like it was working but I also didn't think I was doing terribly either. So I hiked my big girl panties again and started heading home. I made it back to flint, dropped off my friend and went back towards to expressway heading to home. But I didn't go home. I turned South instead of North. I can't honestly tell you why i did, but I did. I drove quite a ways not paying attention. I was fully awake and conscious but I wasn't all there I wasn't thinking. I was just driving. Finally I got off the express way found a subdivision and parked.

I got out and walked for about an hour. Didn't walk any where in particular. I was walking to relieve stress and to try to think. Until my Mom finally called me and I talked to her did I finally realize what I was doing or where I was. I started crying and hyperventilating. i quickly walked back to my car got in. Luckily I was able to gps my smartphone and get the hell out of there. My Fiancé's phone was off, one of my best friends was already asleep, another lives in New York, but my last one Paul answered me and calmed me down.

So needless to say it was an insane night and a bad anti-depressant for me. I am off that and will never go on again. So I needed time to separate myself and discover a lot more about myself. I needed space and I'm ready to come back. So I'm back are we ready?

Day 12: 09/26/12

Have I mentioned that I hate Algebra? Well I do and I'm taking Algebra two this semester and it is kicking my ass. Ugh.  My schedule for this semester is as follows

• Monday and Wednesday mornings I have Algebra from 10:00 till 11:50 YUCK
• Thursday nights I have a Marketing class. 
• Friday nights I have a graphic arts class. I hate night classes

So it's going to be an intresting semester this year. Also last night I helped my best friend move over to Port Huron. Which is about an hour and a half away. I'm happy for him and his girlfriend as they move in together. But I'll admit it I is going to be hard on Friday night, not having him sitting beside me in class. Not having him there to make stupid comments about our teacher or each others work. Not having my partner in crime to look at in class when we take everything wrong and dirty. My best friend on the way home we just argue and every one thinks we must hate each others guts. I love you and will miss you. I hope you are very happy and I WILL SEE YOU ONCE A MONTH. Anyway done with ranting for the day. On to rape. 

"Fear, terror, and feeling unsafe. Intense fear may be experienced in many aspects of a woman's life. If you feared for your life or the lives of others during the assault, you may be afraid that the perpetrator will return. You may find that fear and terror become generalized to other areas or to situations that are similar to the assault. There is nowhere that feels safe anymore. When I'm home I'm afraid that someone will break into my house; when I'm out, I'm afraid that I'll be attacked. My guard is always up."

I have these fears everyday. Every time someone touches me I flinch. I hide I retreat. Last week my fiancé and I were running sound for our Wednesday praise and worship service.  Because of my wound I still sit in a nice chair and my fiancé was running sound he brushed past me to adjust something and i wasn't ready and my guard wasn't up. I freaked out and shut down. When I shut down I retreat into my phone and I couldn't pull myself out of it for a few hours. So all during church I was on my cell phone. I don't like that I did that. I don't like that I retreat so easily I don't like that he has this much power over me still.  

For now on we will be calling my rapist "M"

Dear M,
    It has been 6 months since you rapped me. But it still gets worse to deal with the emotional  pain. Originally the physical pain was enough to deal with that. But that fades. These emotions these stupidly raw emotions take over my whole life they don't let me allow the touches by the love of my life. Thanks so much just because you wanted a pussy I have to live with this for years? Thanks so much.

Love,
Suz


Thanks,
Suz

Day 11: 09/23/12

A few things before we get into the blog. 

1. I need to cut back my daily postings. I will be cutting back to around 5 posts a week. In all honesty that is what has been happening the last few weeks. I can't fight it anymore. I will be starting my new semester of college tomorrow. I am hoping to take a few hours on my off day to focus on getting a plan out for the blogs for this week. 
2. I have been thinking and talking to a few of my friends and I will be asking a few of them to write guest blogs for me. About once a week.
3. If anyone has questions or comments please say them I would love to answer them or hear your thoughts.

The following is a conversation that my friend, JM and I had back in February. This was said long before I was rapped. But I feel that this conversation is very important to my mental health now more than ever. JM is one of my closest friends and I can't thank him enough to be here and helping me with all that I am working through.

• Suz: Care to listen?
• JM: Yeah. I don't mind. Allows me the chance to help out where I can.
• Suz: Well I've done a lot of stupid things over the past 9 months. On my 21st birthday, I met up with this guy who was married ... He was my first kiss and time.
• JM: Wow.
• Suz: Not my shinning moment.
• JM: Yeah ... I've done a few foolish things myself. What is important is that God *will* show mercy.
• Suz: Umm I may have become a slut.
• JM: Why do you say that?
• Suz: 17 guys in 9 months.
• JM: This will probably surprise you ... but that's pretty tame. Considering some of the stuff I've heard from others.
• Suz: Really wow.
• JM: Yeah, I know a few people who do even crazier stuff.
• Suz: Well thank you
• JM: Don't worry. I'm not going to hold that against you. You are not any less of a person.
• Suz: Well thank you for saying that I appreciate that.
• JM: We all do things that sometimes goes against our faith. But once again that's where God's mercy comes in. I know this one first hand. God made that one clear to me years ago during one of my own struggles.
• Suz: Well trying to figure that one out.
• JM: What do you mean?
• Suz: I don't believe that I can be loved by God.
• JM: I'm reminded every day that God is willing to forgive. We fall down we get back up. Rinse and repeat as needed. No one is perfect. I've had my own share of battles. In my darkest days ... God reached out and reminded me of his mercy. Even from things that we feel ashamed of. Which is why I'm passing the message onto you. People come to me because they know that while I am blunt with my opinions ... I am willing to listen. Something that I do pride myself in.

As I was writing this blog tonight I was talking to JM. He said something about how he see's me after me being rapped. 

• Suz: I take it you don't see me differently or blame me for being rapped.
• JM:  Do I even have to answer that? Of course not on both accounts. People who treat someone differently because of that are shallow and have no understanding or compassion in their hearts. You can't blame someone for something like that. You just can't.

Thanks JM. I know I hear it all the time but I need to hear it. It means a lot and helps me work through things.

Remember Everything - Five Finger Death Punch

Thanks,

Suz

Day 10: 09/21/12

Yeah I know I've been sparse lately sorry. Just dealing with my physical over my mental health. But I have also been reading a lot of blogs while sitting at the doctors offices. So we start with the one I have been following for a few days. For the full article you can go to Feminist - Violated. 

"Fear, terror, and feeling unsafe. Intense fear may be experienced in many aspects of a woman's life. If you feared for your life or the lives of others during the assault, you may be afraid that the perpetrator will return. You may find that fear and terror become generalized to other areas or to situations that are similar to the assault. There is nowhere that feels safe anymore. When I'm home I'm afraid that someone will break into my house; when I'm out, I'm afraid that I'll be attacked. My guard is always up."

Yes we are fearful we gage what everyone want's from us. We hide and try out best to become invisible. I try to do that but it doesn't help. Some days I just want to wallow in this. Let it consume me. Let it allow to finish it's job and fully destroy it. But I can't I won't allow it. That's when I go back to this blog from Nerd Fitness - Shit Happens (the article is a little long but defiantly worth a read I'll just use the titles)

• Understand that Sh** Happens.
• It does.
• Vent.
• Get it out of your system.
• Realize That It’s Not That Bad.
• Learn From It.
• Put It Behind You.
• Don’t Dwell On It.
• Man up

I really do enjoy his blog it's nerdy, helpful and motivational. What more can you ask for in a blog? 

Physical - Glee

Thanks, 
Suz

Day 9: 09/18/12

Hey I'm back. It's been a few days since I have been posting. Sorry.  I have been very sick. I had surgery about a month ago and have a 3-inch wound on my thigh. The wound has been bleeding and causing a lot of pain and issues with my body. It is frustrating it's hard to walk, hard to sit, hard to do anything. It's very annoying and some days I just wish I knew what to do. I just want to be normal again. Which It takes a while to be normal again. Also have been puking because of new medications I’ve been on. But I am back and I shouldn't be going anywhere.  

I found this interesting book the other day and I am going to take parts and see how I feel about this. The first part is all about Self-blame and Feelings of guilt. This is acutely something that I struggle with and have a fear of every fucking night. But more on that after the article:

"Self-blame and feelings of guilt. This is probably one of the most common reactions because of the false yet common myths about rape. We may feel humiliated, ashamed, or embarrassed about what we were forced or coerced to do. We often feel responsible for decisions that we made before the assault that we (or others) may later think led to the assault. Even talking about the sexual assault can be difficult because we risk being disbelieved or rejected. THE TRUTH IS THAT RAPE IS NEVER THE FAULT OF THE VICTIM. Like many victims of sexual attacks, I was silenced by my shame, guilt, and the mistaken belief, reinforced by the police and society in general...that I was "responsible" for what these men did to me. It is that silence that revictimizes rape and incest victims, over and over again, and I won't be silent anymore."

I honestly agree with everything that they said. Some days even though someone doesn’t judge or hate you because of what happened to me. No I hate that phrase. Because of what happened. No matter who did what. It was still me and my body not just him and a toy it was a person. I am a human being. I am a woman. Who he had no right to touch in anyway shape or form. But he did. Do you want to know why? Because I was too weak. I wasn’t strong enough. I am a bigger girl I can lift staging on my own and I should have been able to defend myself but I wasn’t able to.  Why can’t I get through my thick skull. I need to be able to forgive myself and let it go but I just can’t. This fucking sucks like a whore with a dick fetish. Ugh.

 Little Drop of Poison - Tom Waits

Thanks,

Suz

Day 8: 09/15/12

Ok so I had a bad night last night. What I mean by that is that I called my fiancé for about an hour last night. I was scared and I could feel that panic attack that I had the night I was rapped. I hate that feeling. I hate being panicked for no reason and I can't control it. The worst part is that I don't understand why it happened last night. There was nothing that happened yesterday that should have set me off.

I had a great day, had gotten my blog done early in the morning. Didn't do a whole lot other than make some cookies and get some apple cider. Then I spent the evening with my family. I was tired so I went to my room around nine. Was chilling on my computer downloading music, and then bam it hit hard. I was curled up on my bed and I couldn't handle it.

So I called him we talked for forty five minutes to an hour. Then I laid there for a while, while I talked to a few friends. But why do these attacks happen? Why Doesn't it get easier? I know most people have to live with this a lot longer than I have but I just want to get back to normal is that too much to ask?

I Get Off - Halestorm

Thanks,
Suz

Day 7: 09/14/12

Attraction. We are all attracted to others. May it be physical, mental, spiritual, or many other forms of attraction. We are attracted because in that attraction it fills the gaps in our lives. Attractions draws us closer to another human. We are coming back to this idea from the other day. We want to be a part of others we long for those connections. And beg for attention.

But that brings up scary questions for me. Why did I start this blog? Was this my way for attention? What other ways do I scream for attention? But in all honesty, I did this because I was told too. I am enjoying this now but I didn't want to at first. If anyone asks my fiancé when I want attention you will know it. I have been informed over the years by him a few things. Everything on this list he had told me over the last few years:

1. I am more stubborn than a mule
2. I have a big mouth
3. I have a huge set of lungs
4. I give too much of myself

So if you ever wonder if I want attention you will know.

A friend of mine and I were talking online last night when I realized that his closest female friends all have "storms" in there life. He refers to emotional break down's as storms because every man who sees a bad storm coming should know enough to get out of the storms way. Not him. Now I'm not saying that he loves the storms or that he intently seeks them out. But unlike most men he knows how to handle them. That scares me the most because he doesn't judge me when they happen. He doesn't hide. He doesn't walk on egg shells. He knows that most of the time I just need to vent. Give a few points of advice. Then the next day I am surprised when he still talks to me.

But that's friends that's something we all have to realize when you are a very close friend or more than that. These out bursts that we expect people to run and hide from, the true ones don't. They stand by you. My fiancé and him are the people who usually have to deal with my outbursts. And every time it happens i just want to push them away from me. But they don't let it happen. They stick by me and help pick me back up again and keep me going.

Holding Us Back - Katie Herzig (If you haven't noticed that I have done every song in alphabetical order. Yes I am that girl)

Thanks,
Suz

Day 6: 09/13/12

I have to find a better way to fit blogging into my life. I really enjoy this and can't believe I've acutely kept it up this week. I honestly didn't think I would last this long on this. I always for get or let it slide. I am very surprised that I have let it slide only once this week. I am even trying to keep up and plan ahead. I'm very impressed with myself. Am I using this just to complain? I just don't think so. I honestly don't think so. I am working through stuff but is it easy? No. Will I want to work at it? No. But I will I need to for me for the people in my life. We will call the person who raped me "x".

Do you know what you took from me that night? More than anything else you took away my trust for everyone. You have made me doubt my fiancé. The man I love with my whole heart. Because of you i flinch when he touches me. Do you know how patient he has been? Because he has never given up on me and never pushes me into something I can't handle. It shouldn't be that difficult to let him hold my hand. I'm not comfortable when he strokes my hair I have to fight to sit there with him. I flinch, shiver and fight not retreating into myself. You took so much how do I get that back? I honestly don't know. But I know that I will make it through because of the people in my life. But mostly because of the man who stands by me everyday and is the one fighting this battle with me.

Get Thru This - Art of Dying

Thanks,
Suz

Day 5: 09/12/12

No good excuse why I didn't post yesterday other than I was tired and wanted to rest. So now that we have that cleared up. I had a lot of time yesterday to think. (Family went on a day vacation and lots of driving time) Why am I ashamed? Did I do anything wrong? Why is this something that controls me? This was one event in my life. Not something continual that is happening.

I know it seems like I ask the same questions of myself every damn day. But I don't its new way of thinking. It's new ways to hate myself. I honestly hate myself at this point. "I should have been stronger. I should have fraught back. I should have known better." Everyday I battle to get those thoughts out of my head. Ain't easy but I need to.

We are our own worse critic. We yell, beet up, and leave the worse scars on ourselves. We need to be able to take that in stride and try to shut up the voices in my head. They don't help all they do is make it worse on ourselves.

Fucking Perfect - P!nk

Thanks,
Suz

Day 4: 09/10/12

So today I had a huge day of doctor appointments and didn't sleep well and was up till two a.m. and had to get a shower at seven. So today has been a sluggish day for me. But emotional as hell. Some how I don't appreciate being yelled at by people because I am working through depression. Apparently If I act happy and don't worry my life will be great!! Did you know that? Neither did I. Ugh. Come on people seriously? If it was that easy we wouldn't have the amount of depressed people in this world. 

I am working through shit. Give me a fucking chance. I found this list the other day and I couldn't agree more. I found this the other week and I agree. You can follow the Link to see the whole article but I will summarize what is said

1. Remain Positive - I will Recoil further into my shell to avoid future contact and meaningless advice because you never told me how to remain positive.
2. Don’t think like that - I did something wrong for thinking a certain way, and you reprimanded me for thinking so. Thus, I withdraw, and berate myself for thinking the way I do, and spiral further down into depression due to self-criticism. 
3. Snap out of it - I Feel completely useless and hopeless that I’m incapable of holding myself together and getting better. Depression snowballs with this sense of incompetence.
4. Why do you need to be depressed? - I feel Accused of committing a heinous crime to be depressed. Confused because I don’t know what happened to make me depressed and how it all happened. Lost since I don’t know how to get out of depression. Feel inferior and worse about myself, so I hide from you as well because I don’t want to feel inadequate. 
5. Look at how lucky you are already! Be thankful - I feel Misunderstood as a spoilt, ungrateful little girl when I’m not. Frustrated for being misunderstood, cry, wail, sad. Retreat into my hiding place – again.
6. Go do something and you will feel better - I feel tired and lethargic, and no energy to think about what to do. Harassed because you keep telling me to do something.
7. What’s wrong with you? - I feel Absolutely hopeless because I don’t know why I became like this, and I was unable to find out the reasons behind my depression. Very belittled and angry at myself. Can’t deal with this. I might as well die.
8. You should do this - I feel Patronized by your condescending tone (even if you didn’t have one). Rejected for not doing what you think I am supposed to. Another bash to my already dwindling self-confidence – you just succeeded in making me feel more desperate and more depressed.
9. See how others suffer even worst, and have no food to eat, be grateful for what you have - I feel Baffled as to why sometimes you say don’t compare and other times you tell me to do so. I don’t understand how being thankful makes me feel better, because what I have now has no meaning and no value to me. 
10. It’s all in your head - I feel Furious at myself for not being able to control my head and thinking. Inept at everything I’m trying to do and worse, for disappointing you. Alone that no one can understand me. Alienate myself. Doomed to fail; might as well die…

 Sometimes people mean the best but it doesn't come off that way. I know everyone that laid into me today meant it well. But I'm sorry I didn't take it that way. I love them all but somedays I just want to yell at them to help me get through this. Sorry just a frustrated girl today.

Distance - Christine Perri

Everyone have a good night. I see chocolate and bacon in my future.

Thanks,

Suz

Day 3: 09/09/12

So you know those books sitting on the floor in that bag? Well things have changed and they are now sitting next to me on my bed. So you should all be proud that I acutely picked up the bag of books. Now i have finally figured out one of the reasons why they scare me. They are massive books. Let me do some figuring here.

For three sets of books I have a grand total of: 1,578 pages! Ok I am the type of person who tends to hide and try to avoid painful subjects. So this "light" reading should be fun (I'm a very sarcastic person). I think I am going to start with Captivating. This is a quote from chapter one.   "The result is shame, the universal companion of woman. it haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone." - Captivating

I think that's all of our biggest fear. We are afraid of rejection. We are afraid of everyone walking away from us. Why do we crave people so much in our lives? Because with out human contact what are we? We are no better than the animals. We have love, we have devotion, care, and kindness. Feelings. If we try to handle our lives on our own how far will we get? and do we honestly want to see a world that no one cares for another? I honestly don't think we can survive without human contact we crave it and pled for it. If we try to do everything in our lives alone it will fall apart because life is to hard to deal with alone.

Weekly Goal: (I will add a goal every week and try to keep up with all of them) My goal for this week is that I will blog everyday. It won't be easy but I know I will want and need to. This is my way to reach out and ask others to help me with my life.  Ok yeah still scared.

The Cave - Mumford & Sons

Thanks,

Suz

Day 2: 09/08/12

This year has been a whirlwind year. Everything is happening at once. Sometimes I wonder if i'm worth it fighting to get back to a normal-ish (ask anyone and they will say I  never was normal) life. To a point where in a year I get married and start my life with Tony. Where I don't get scared when ever someone touches me. Where I'm not worried that people can see me. Where I get back to singing and it makes me happy again. 

One of my cousions has gone through a simular situation. So the other day she gave me a few books to read. They are currently about five feet away in a bag on the floor. I'm scared to open them. But that's what i'm going to do. Start with one and everyday read a chapter in it. I will post some of my thoughts and reflections on each of them on here. Hopefully everyday. I am acutely very surprised I posted today. I always start something like this than I forget and come back three months later "Oh Yeah I had a blog didn't I" 

One thing I should warn you now is that I am a Catholic. So sometimes I might say scripture passages or mention certain things. Please do not take offense to what is said. Also I ask that you don't attack my beliefs. I accept and will gladly listen to yours if you will do the same for me. 

Broken - Lifehouse

Song of the day. I know I have a very odd mix of music. You should see my iTunes some time. It's quite hilarious to see everything i have.

Thanks,
Suz

Day 1: 09/07/12

I was rapped this past year.  It's so hard to say it let alone type it. As I type this it becomes permanent who ever wants to can see it. That scares me. what scares me more is the fact that I have to move on. Some days I want to run and hide. Other days I want to just do something stupid to help me deal with this. This is what i'm doing instead of something stupid.

How does someone move on from something like this? How does that work? How can I? I feel lost and alone. Every time I tell someone they seem to walk away from me. Every one says it's ok you will be fine, hang in there babe, it's ok honey, it wasn't your fault etc. etc. etc. It's annoying YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS LIKE! So stop pretending and don't give me the "i understand" head nod. It's frustrating and all i want to do is run, hide, and then curl up into a little ball and cry.

But that doesn't help me at all the one way I am getting through this is the four men in my life that I can't imagine living without you are my closest friends and the people who will never leave me. You are what help me get through this.

1. Tony: My Fiance'. The love of my life. The person who has been amazing through this and will never leave me alone and does what ever he can to help me though. Thanks, I love you more and more with each day.
2. Andrew: I've only known you for a littler over a year now. But your my best friend. You are my insane friend. The person who told me when I was doing something stupid and when I need to straighten up. But never yells when I don't take his advice. Thanks, your awesome and I'll miss you when you move.
3. George: You were my childhood best friend. We were part of the four musketeers. (Him, me, my sister and our best friend who i could have sworn was my sister) Who I haven't really seen or talked to in a few years. But when I need you, you will always be there for me. Thanks, I love you my little brother
4. Paul: Last but not least we have Paul. You and I have only known each other for a short amount of time but you are the person who on a bad night at 4 am when I don't want to wake anyone up I know i can call you just to talk or to just have someone be there with me. Thanks you mean the world to me.

This is my world. These are my people. We will see there this takes us but I know one thing. I will get better. I will be stronger. But most of all, one day I will be a whole person again.

About Today - The National

This is the song I can't stop listening to while I write this. Maybe I'll post a song for every post who knows. 

Thanks, 

Suz