Day 4: 09/10/12

So today I had a huge day of doctor appointments and didn't sleep well and was up till two a.m. and had to get a shower at seven. So today has been a sluggish day for me. But emotional as hell. Some how I don't appreciate being yelled at by people because I am working through depression. Apparently If I act happy and don't worry my life will be great!! Did you know that? Neither did I. Ugh. Come on people seriously? If it was that easy we wouldn't have the amount of depressed people in this world. 

I am working through shit. Give me a fucking chance. I found this list the other day and I couldn't agree more. I found this the other week and I agree. You can follow the Link to see the whole article but I will summarize what is said

1. Remain Positive - I will Recoil further into my shell to avoid future contact and meaningless advice because you never told me how to remain positive.
2. Don’t think like that - I did something wrong for thinking a certain way, and you reprimanded me for thinking so. Thus, I withdraw, and berate myself for thinking the way I do, and spiral further down into depression due to self-criticism. 
3. Snap out of it - I Feel completely useless and hopeless that I’m incapable of holding myself together and getting better. Depression snowballs with this sense of incompetence.
4. Why do you need to be depressed? - I feel Accused of committing a heinous crime to be depressed. Confused because I don’t know what happened to make me depressed and how it all happened. Lost since I don’t know how to get out of depression. Feel inferior and worse about myself, so I hide from you as well because I don’t want to feel inadequate. 
5. Look at how lucky you are already! Be thankful - I feel Misunderstood as a spoilt, ungrateful little girl when I’m not. Frustrated for being misunderstood, cry, wail, sad. Retreat into my hiding place – again.
6. Go do something and you will feel better - I feel tired and lethargic, and no energy to think about what to do. Harassed because you keep telling me to do something.
7. What’s wrong with you? - I feel Absolutely hopeless because I don’t know why I became like this, and I was unable to find out the reasons behind my depression. Very belittled and angry at myself. Can’t deal with this. I might as well die.
8. You should do this - I feel Patronized by your condescending tone (even if you didn’t have one). Rejected for not doing what you think I am supposed to. Another bash to my already dwindling self-confidence – you just succeeded in making me feel more desperate and more depressed.
9. See how others suffer even worst, and have no food to eat, be grateful for what you have - I feel Baffled as to why sometimes you say don’t compare and other times you tell me to do so. I don’t understand how being thankful makes me feel better, because what I have now has no meaning and no value to me. 
10. It’s all in your head - I feel Furious at myself for not being able to control my head and thinking. Inept at everything I’m trying to do and worse, for disappointing you. Alone that no one can understand me. Alienate myself. Doomed to fail; might as well die…

 Sometimes people mean the best but it doesn't come off that way. I know everyone that laid into me today meant it well. But I'm sorry I didn't take it that way. I love them all but somedays I just want to yell at them to help me get through this. Sorry just a frustrated girl today.

Distance - Christine Perri

Everyone have a good night. I see chocolate and bacon in my future.

Thanks,

Suz