Hey I'm back. It's been a few days since I have
been posting. Sorry. I have been very sick. I had surgery about a month
ago and have a 3-inch wound on my thigh. The wound has
been bleeding and causing a lot of pain and issues with my body. It
is frustrating it's hard to walk, hard to sit, hard to do anything.
It's very annoying and some days I just wish I knew what to do. I just want to
be normal again. Which It takes a while to be normal again. Also have been
puking because of new medications I’ve been on. But I am back and I shouldn't
be going anywhere.
I
found this interesting book the other day and I am going to take parts and see
how I feel about this. The first part is all about Self-blame and Feelings of
guilt. This is acutely something that I struggle with and have a fear of every
fucking night. But more on that after the article:
"Self-blame and feelings of guilt. This is probably one of the most common reactions because of the false yet common myths about rape. We may feel humiliated, ashamed, or embarrassed about what we were forced or coerced to do. We often feel responsible for decisions that we made before the assault that we (or others) may later think led to the assault. Even talking about the sexual assault can be difficult because we risk being disbelieved or rejected. THE TRUTH IS THAT RAPE IS NEVER THE FAULT OF THE VICTIM. Like many victims of sexual attacks, I was silenced by my shame, guilt, and the mistaken belief, reinforced by the police and society in general...that I was "responsible" for what these men did to me. It is that silence that revictimizes rape and incest victims, over and over again, and I won't be silent anymore."
"Self-blame and feelings of guilt. This is probably one of the most common reactions because of the false yet common myths about rape. We may feel humiliated, ashamed, or embarrassed about what we were forced or coerced to do. We often feel responsible for decisions that we made before the assault that we (or others) may later think led to the assault. Even talking about the sexual assault can be difficult because we risk being disbelieved or rejected. THE TRUTH IS THAT RAPE IS NEVER THE FAULT OF THE VICTIM. Like many victims of sexual attacks, I was silenced by my shame, guilt, and the mistaken belief, reinforced by the police and society in general...that I was "responsible" for what these men did to me. It is that silence that revictimizes rape and incest victims, over and over again, and I won't be silent anymore."
I
honestly agree with everything that they said. Some days even though someone
doesn’t judge or hate you because of what happened to me. No I hate that
phrase. Because of what happened. No matter who did what. It was still me and
my body not just him and a toy it was a person. I am a human being. I am a
woman. Who he had no right to touch in anyway shape or form. But he did. Do you
want to know why? Because I was too weak. I wasn’t strong enough. I am a bigger
girl I can lift staging on my own and I should have been able to defend myself
but I wasn’t able to. Why can’t I get
through my thick skull. I need to be able to forgive myself and let it go but I
just can’t. This fucking sucks like a whore with a dick fetish. Ugh.
Little Drop of Poison - Tom Waits
Thanks,
Suz
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